decisions

people change. environment change. time flies.


all these things are out of my control, time waits for no one. its the reality. it hurts.


when i've been beaten and defeated, i always find a support behind me, friends that point me in directions, offer me opinions, gives me a shoulder to lean on. thank you guys. i can't describe in words how much it means to me. thank you for being there. thank you so much.


for now. i need to deal with this change, battle with this pain, survive and live on. move on. hope? i bear little. future? blurry as ever. can i do it? not really. but somebody please stop this cycle now.


on a side note. birthday so so soon. sigh. i will gain one year in age, but at the same time, i've lost an important person in my life, a best friend, a shoulder i could lean on, the hug that comforts me. if i could trade time, freedom, gain even more age just to get this person back, i would. i am stupid i know, is he even worth this much? am i just doing this out of guilt? why am i so resistant to change? do we even have a future? does his presence define my identity? questions! answers! decisions! argh!


i don't know all the answers to these questions, but i know i want to try harder to be with him. i want another chance to try. but i guess its all too late now. i know what i want for my birthday! a time machine! so i could turn back time and undo all the things i did wrong, erase the things i said wrong, things that hurt him. sigh.


i know i'm stupid and should move on.! why can't i?. all my pointless blogs are depressing. i should stop.


`it felt like just yesterday that you held my hand for the very first time. i wish i could go back.